letter to a burglar

Saw this note on facebook written by an acquaintance. No, it's not art/design/photography related, but I thought it was pretty hilarious.

Dear Mr. Burglar,

We have never met in person, but I am sure that you know me very well. In the process of rifling through my personal affects you have, no doubt, seen the ubiquitous pictures of my smiling face, deduced my living habits and learned many other things about me that only friends and family know. You are now one of the fortunate few whom I can count on as my proverbial "inner circle".

Is it not amazing that you have gotten to know me quite intimately in the short span of a few hours? I am, by most accounts, a fairly shy person. Therefore, it was a great relief to me that you have taken the initiative, cut the screen, and stepped into my life (read: house under fumigation).

However, it pains me to admit that I have not made the same efforts as you had in order to make this relationship work. So to make up for it, I took some time to admire and document your handiwork. You certainly did a fine job, but I would like to offer some critique so that you can refine your technique for the next time you visit.

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Let's examine a few items you have converted to your own possession:

• My collection of "Excellent Student" and "MathemaGenius" pins from elementary school:

You should have taken my piano and track/cross country trophies too. The ones with my name engraved on them could have fetched quite a bit more than the others.

• Can containing Canadian coins (say this fast 5 times)

I'm not sure how you missed it, but right next to this can was a very conspicuous piggy bank brimming with U.S. quarters. This piggy bank is a polished white color and sits on a dull wooden shelf. You must have been reaching for the piggy bank, missed and grabbed the can containing Canadian coins on accident.

• 2 pairs of glasses:

Wow, I didn't know that you had a need for prescription glasses. I also didn't know that you have a head the size of an organic melon, which was the size of mine at 12 years old.

• A Single Pillowcase

While I appreciate your resourcefulness, it may be wise to bring an extra bag.

• Half-Stolen TV

You successfully moved the TV from the living room into the back yard. But by the time you got this far, you suddenly remembered that you don’t have a car and could not actually take the item you extricated. Embarrassed, you covered up the TV with my bed sheet and hoped that no one would notice you hadn’t actually stolen it.

• Bicycle

Now I can understand the appeal of riding a purple cruiser towards the horizon. Speeding along the road. With the wind in your face. Pillowcase in your hand. Poison gas in your lungs.

But, practicality takes precedence over predisposition in your line of work. My longboard skateboard would have been a much better platform for your car-less getaway. You could have strapped my monitor, desktop, and speakers onto the board and still leave enough room for you to stand. This would also leave both your hands free to hang on to a pillowcase each as you roll off into the night.

• Stack of Textbooks (Climatology and C++):

I regret to inform you that newer editions of these textbooks have been published.

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Yours Truly,

Erik